After several months, much debate, and a bit of the old internal dialogue that would curl your short hairs...I believe I've arrived at a few conclusions about things...and stuff...and things with stuff on top of them.

I think I've discovered that since late 2004, some rather horrific stuff has happened to me - consistently and every few months since this time. In general, it appears I've taken these circumstances, internalized them, and moved forward... This is not, per say, a statement of "poor me," but rather an observation that I'm now willing (while sober,) to admit is true.

The moving forward aspect is what my brain seems to have missed. I feel nothing but the creeping stagnation of daily life. Of waking in a life that was not of my choosing. A bit of feeling sorry for myself, with a dash of "it will get better soon." Only it hasn't really. Specific circumstances have worked themselves out - sometimes for the better, others have gotten worse.

But this isn't the reality of my daily life. It's not stagnant - it is, to some regard, a bit beyond my choosing when one considers the cancer aspect, but it isn't stagnant. But I've made it to be so. I've made my life so much more difficult by ignoring the simple fact that some kind of crappy things have been happening in my life for a few years now...for more than a few years. I say, "tomorrow will be better," but often it isn't...and I internalize this as some failure of mine. Of a lack of trying on my part.

I can't cure cancer.

I can't stop the minutes from ticking by.

I can't do a billion other things.

What I can do is start accepting that the past six years has come with some drastic and crappy type things.

I can stop feeling like I'm drowning while standing still...or at least make an effort to rationalize that out into something more positive. Not totally sure at this point how I'm going to do that - but I plan to give it my best shot.