Right - nastiest cold ever with hacking cough, unrelenting sneezes, and horrid phlegm? Check. Thanksgiving spent in agony from slipping on ice? Check. Father moved to new home in assisted living and generally in line? Check. Holiday tree and decorations up (a day late due to horrid cold?) Check.

Check check check check.

No holiday cards this year - probably sounds like something small - but it's not. This will be the first time since I left home at 17 that I'm not sending them. I just didn't have time to pick any out. Didn't have time to write them out. Just didn't have...enough energy. Just didn't have enough joy.

There remains some joy in memories - my favorite holiday picture of all times, the husband reading to my two cats:

Realization of the day: I think I thought that the skilled care facility and the hospital weren't giving Dad enough of a chance to do certain things himself...which led me to believe that he was a bit better than he is in reality. Watching him need my brother to help him today while he got undressed to shave, and dressed for a nap showed me the true visual of his decline. I'm nervous that he needs more care than this assisted facility can provide - but unsure how to prepare for that situation.

I simply cannot shake the nervousness. Cannot find myself at a place where I'm "sure" things will be taken care of - which makes sense, as this is not something in which there is any sort of surety.

No surety? Check.

Check check check check.