Why do we keep certain phone numbers on our phones? In our address books? In our contact numbers on our computers? Because it gives us comfort.

In the case of death of a friend/loved one, it gives us a sense that they're not totally removed from our lives.

And in some special part of our minds, we think the phone might ring again. That it would be their face that came up on the screen of our smart phones. That it would be their birthday that popped up on our Outlook reminders each year.

Today I deleted my mother's phone number from my phone as well as my computer. She's been gone almost a year and a half now. It was a huge step for me.

I know rationally that my mother won't call again. I know that number won't connect with her voice. I know I was clinging to something that wasn't true. But that's fine. It has given me comfort. Comfort I needed - that in some fashion I'm a good daughter by keeping the number. That I did the best I could for her.

In reality I'm not sure I did, but it's something I can't dwell on at this moment. Right now the reality is with my father and applying the lessons I've learned through my experiences with my mother to my father's current day to day living. My father is living. My mother is not.

Removing her phone number doesn't remove my mother from my life or my memories. What it does is free me from a small digital responsibility during this time when things are so very complicated and sad with my father.

She knew I loved her and she knew I would remember her.

Although a phone number isn't simply always just a phone number - today I decided that it should be - and remembered that thoughts of her bloom in the great outdoors, not on a digital screen.